Eighteen years ago today I walked down the aisle at the Sheperd of the Sea Chapel in Groton, Connecticut and said "I do" for the second time in my life to a Navy man. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do on many levels as I had been a single mom to my son Michael since he was about six months old when his father and my first husband decided that there were "too many single women in the world for him to be a husband and father". We were both in the Air Force at the time of that marriage which ended in 1981.
The main thing I remember about my second wedding was the fact that I truly felt sick to my stomach and even though I chalked it up to nerves at the time, I think it was actually the smarter part of me that I refused to acknowledge telling me that I was doing the wrong thing. However, as Forest Gump has said, "stupid is as stupid does" and I didn't sit down on the steps of the vestibule with my head in my hands and say "never mind" even though I should have. That would be that whole "hindsight 20/20" thing.
Eight years ago today, on my 10th wedding anniversary, I told my second husband that the marriage was over and that I just couldn't do it anymore. I was miserable, he was miserable, and I knew the girls were starting to be miserable, too. In spite of all the misery and the fact that the marriage was pretty much as dead in the water as you can get, my ex didn't want the divorce. He took a vow before God and he was by golly going to honor it whereas I figured that God really didn't want His children to be miserable no matter what sort of vow they took. I stuck to my guns and the marriage ended.
Since then, the ex has remarried but in a phone call the other day he asked me once again why I ended the marriage, was he that bad of a guy? As I have explained to him several times over, I don't think it was so much that he was a bad guy as that we just didn't have much in common, his beliefs and my beliefs didn't blend, and there was no sense in making everyone miserable by staying in a loveless marriage. I've always thought there was supposed to be more to it than that. And as I have said so many times before, I know I'm a hard person to live with so it wasn't him - it was me. Of course, why he's still asking me this eight years down the road when he's remarried is totally beyond me - I rather doubt his new wife would appreciate the line of questioning; I know I wouldn't if I were her.
Anyhow, so here it is eight years to the day since I ended my ten-year marriage that - for the most part - I seem to have blocked out of my mind as I can remember very little of it other than the feeling that I had a very large albatross around my neck that I had put there myself and I am still alone. No relationships with anyone since then and no glimpse of any on the horizon so sometimes I've got to wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy when I said that I thought I would be better off alone. I wonder if I really meant that? I wonder if I really thought that would be the case?
I've always believed that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person but sometimes that whole being alone thing isn't what it's cracked up to be either. At least not when I'm feeling unloveable and unloved like I am today when I am reminded of my failure in my last relationship. I wonder if August 17th will always make me feel that way??