Monday, August 17, 2009

August 17th, 1991, August 17th, 2001, August 17th, 2009

Eighteen years ago today I walked down the aisle at the Sheperd of the Sea Chapel in Groton, Connecticut and said "I do" for the second time in my life to a Navy man. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do on many levels as I had been a single mom to my son Michael since he was about six months old when his father and my first husband decided that there were "too many single women in the world for him to be a husband and father". We were both in the Air Force at the time of that marriage which ended in 1981.

The main thing I remember about my second wedding was the fact that I truly felt sick to my stomach and even though I chalked it up to nerves at the time, I think it was actually the smarter part of me that I refused to acknowledge telling me that I was doing the wrong thing. However, as Forest Gump has said, "stupid is as stupid does" and I didn't sit down on the steps of the vestibule with my head in my hands and say "never mind" even though I should have. That would be that whole "hindsight 20/20" thing.

Eight years ago today, on my 10th wedding anniversary, I told my second husband that the marriage was over and that I just couldn't do it anymore. I was miserable, he was miserable, and I knew the girls were starting to be miserable, too. In spite of all the misery and the fact that the marriage was pretty much as dead in the water as you can get, my ex didn't want the divorce. He took a vow before God and he was by golly going to honor it whereas I figured that God really didn't want His children to be miserable no matter what sort of vow they took. I stuck to my guns and the marriage ended.

Since then, the ex has remarried but in a phone call the other day he asked me once again why I ended the marriage, was he that bad of a guy? As I have explained to him several times over, I don't think it was so much that he was a bad guy as that we just didn't have much in common, his beliefs and my beliefs didn't blend, and there was no sense in making everyone miserable by staying in a loveless marriage. I've always thought there was supposed to be more to it than that. And as I have said so many times before, I know I'm a hard person to live with so it wasn't him - it was me. Of course, why he's still asking me this eight years down the road when he's remarried is totally beyond me - I rather doubt his new wife would appreciate the line of questioning; I know I wouldn't if I were her.

Anyhow, so here it is eight years to the day since I ended my ten-year marriage that - for the most part - I seem to have blocked out of my mind as I can remember very little of it other than the feeling that I had a very large albatross around my neck that I had put there myself and I am still alone. No relationships with anyone since then and no glimpse of any on the horizon so sometimes I've got to wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy when I said that I thought I would be better off alone. I wonder if I really meant that? I wonder if I really thought that would be the case?

I've always believed that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person but sometimes that whole being alone thing isn't what it's cracked up to be either. At least not when I'm feeling unloveable and unloved like I am today when I am reminded of my failure in my last relationship. I wonder if August 17th will always make me feel that way??

14 comments:

  1. Unlovable! You?

    Obviously I don't have the equipment or the inclination to be any kind of expert on this matter, but too unlovable I cry 'BULLSHIT'.

    I hope aug 17 doesn't always make you feel this way, I hope one day it float by without you even noticing it.

    Also if you want to find something new, you have to get out there and find it :)

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  2. First off, I'm sending you a hug... and, NO, you are not unloveable... You have much to give (and receive).

    I understand the "anniversary" feelings. I do that, too...

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  3. You are not unloved or unlovable. What Claire said is right...you have to get out there and meet people. Just saying.

    I think you made the right decision to divorce. If you were that miserable then why stay married. The both of you that is.

    I thought I would never meet anyone either. It took more than 10 years, but you know my hubby. What do you think?

    Have a terrific day. Big hug. :)

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  4. i think you are amazing and i think you get out there all the time. keep looking, you'll find him one day and you'll live happily every after. i have on my tiara and i declare it so!

    and you are a great mom too!

    smiles, bee
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  5. I don't think it's the being alone part that's rough. It's those times when you feel lonely. I learned that they can be different things.

    But you're a great mom and you have great friends. Don't give up on finding the person who "gets" you.

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  6. I'm sending another hug to go with Lois' hug. You are definitely lovable and I know that by the people who are telling you so!
    Keep being who you are - don't change a thing! You are absolutely marvelous and keep telling yourself that! ♥♥&hearts'
    ~~~Blessings~~~

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  7. Oh, honey, change that dates and this could've been written by me! Even to the Ex not wanting a divorce and later asking "Why?"! He actually asked me for dating advice and suggestions on how not to screw it up again on his second marriage for the first 3 years after our divorce!

    I need Miss Bee to wear her tiara and Declare it so for me, too. And I hope we both find our soul mates, like Sandee did.

    BIG HUG!

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  8. My biggest wish for you is that the right 'Mr Right' will be lucky enough to find you Linda - he'll be the luckiest guy in the world. Don't give up honey. x

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  9. Well written, Linda. As you say, two people can have absoluterly nothing in common, and being together would be bad for them and those that surround them. You did the right thing, as you know.

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  10. When a relationship fails, it's only natural to spend a long time trying to make sense of it. Once you are totally satisfied of why exactly the relationship ended, and what needs to be done differently...you feel confident to find a new relationship.

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  11. Anonymous5:58 PM EDT

    IMO, Marriage is a waste of time. I never believed in it, and never will. It ruins lives. No person "owns" another. We all should be "free".

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  12. anon, if you think marriage is about ownership then stay away from it....as you have no idea.

    Linda. darling, when you think/feel yourself unlovable...you're not putting out good vibes and are therefore "telling" others not to love you...make sense? Start with learning to see yourself as lovable. Then the rest will follow.

    and it is the marriage, the partnership that failed, not you. He obviously has "issues" and did then too as evidenced by him not letting go 8 years under the bridge. Therefore do not take on the entire weight of guilt.

    and he should read his bible....divorce is in there. not the best idea but it's in there...even the Catholic church allows for what they call "annulment" of a marriage when it's seen that a mistake has been made.

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  13. Sending you many loud loving honks from Times Square in New York City !! YOu are LOVED !!! Just stick your head out the window and listen for the King honks !! There is so much good ahead of you, just wait and see !!

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  14. Anonymous2:11 AM EDT

    "for better or worse, till death do us part".....sounds like more than a rental....It's healthier staying single, Linda.

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