Thursday, February 23, 2012

Where There is Sadness ... Joy

So ... it's been a week since my best friend of 25+ years departed this earthly life (though in my heart I know that she left us on February 14th when she went into cardiac arrest and not on the 16th when her family had to make the very painful decision to shut off life support) and my emotions have naturally been yo-yo'ing all week.  Up. Down.  Around the corner.  Around the world.

Sometimes I look at the cardiac arrest as a blessing that Cyndi didn't have to go through the worst that ALS was going to throw at her.  Sometimes I look at the cardiac arrest as a stinking thief that robbed me of time that I still had with my friend.  And sometimes, well, sometimes I just stop trying to reason things out and just cry.

It hasn't all been tears though, there have been a lot of smiles and joyful memories.  My cousin Amy - ever the organized librarian - searched through some of her photos and found a few from a trip that we took out to California back in 1997 (one of the few times I was able to talk her into getting on a plane and flying west with me). After flying into San Francisco, Amy stayed to visit with her friend Vanessa while I continued on to Stockton to visit with Cyndi but the four of us got together to take a trip up to Lake Tahoe while we were there and thank goodness someone thought to take some pictures. Believe it or not, I didn't have a camera in my hands all the time back then!

See?  My hands are empty!  The pictures are copies of copies so the quality isn't the best in the world but that's okay, they're pictures of Cyndi and we were in our favorite place together and that's all that matters.

I've also spent some time searching through this blog and finding posts that were about Cyndi and I'm happy that there are several to be found as reading them brings her back to life for me even for just a little while.  I'm not going to drag all of them out but there were two that stood out for two very different reasons.  The first was written on October 26th, 2006 and not only was the post about Cyndi but she actually left several comments on it which was highly unusual!
"We do not remember days; we remember moments." ~ Cesare Pavese
The second post is even more special simply because of the response that it received.  I wrote it on August 13th, 2007 when Cyndi was going through a really hard time with putting her autistic youngest son into a specialized home. I wrote the post to ask folks to go by Cyndi's blog and leave her a message of support and encouragement and I have to say, the response was happily overwhelming as thirty people went over and left her a comment.
The Things We Do For Love ...
I had always told Cyndi that people in the Blogosphere were the best and they sure didn't let me down.  Re-reading those comments brought both a smile to my face and a tear to my eye as even though I've lost touch with some of them, thirty people took the time to go say a word of concern to my friend - to a woman they had never met and never would. That spoke volumes as it just went to show that Cyndi was so special that others were willing to take a few moments for her - something I always knew but something that others apparently thought also.

Truthfully I was afraid that somewhere along the lines Cyndi might have deleted her blog or made it private as she never was ever really able to get into blogging for one reason or another but thankfully it's still there and I hope that it always will be as it gives me a little piece of her.  Had I ever been able to talk her into actually blogging it would have given me a bigger piece of her but heck, I'll take what I can get!

Speaking of getting things, I had my once-a-month lunch with my friend Rhonda yesterday and being the kind-hearted soul that she is, she gave me a bouquet of flowers in remembrance of Cyndi.  I'm blessed to have a friend like Rhonda just as I was blessed to have a friend like Cyndi and am blessed with the friends I have made through this thing we all like to call the Blogosphere.

Thank you all for the support and encouragement that you have given to me during this difficult time, it honestly has meant the world to me. There truly can be joy - and beauty - in the midst of sadness.


  1. just hugs honey, that's all i've got...


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  3. sorry I had a typo ^

    I'm so sorry for your loss but so happy to call you my friend.

    I'm sending hugs too.

    Thinking of you ~

  4. We love you, hon... Hugs!

  5. Unfortunately, we can't have just one emotion--joy. Gotta have the sadness thrown in, too. Enjoy your good memories. That will keep Cyndi alive in your heart.

    Big hugs, honey...

  6. Awwww...
    So true about only remembering moments, not days.
    Hugs to you from Ohio,

  7. What Empress Bee said.

    Have a terrific day. Hugs. :)

  8. Thank heavens for different emotions. We need the one to distinguish it from the others, don't we? You must experience the love in order to feel the loss. Knowing that makes it no easier, of course.

    With my Dad's cancer journey over this past year, and Charlie's passing and Patti's journey and now Cyndi's passing, and yes, even Whitey's sickness, my mother has been thinking and talking a lot about her own parents. They died decades ago. And she's talked about my brother John some, who died about 3 years ago. She misses none of them any less. In fact, I believe she misses them even more. It's been a flood of memories, long talks and a roller coaster of emotions.

    It's the price we pay for loving and being loved.

    Big hugs xoxo

  9. Anonymous1:31 PM EST

    Some people keep scrapbooks or photoalbums. Some people keep journals/ the end, they are all fabulous ways of keeping memories intact so that you can always go back and revisit the memories and the people who made them. Even when they are no longer there.

  10. It's so very hard when you lose a friend. ((HUGS)) x

  11. I feel so badly for not having had the time to come visit more often lately but you know that I get here eventually to catch up:-) You have been so much in my mind, I know how you're feeling since I lost my best friend Jane to cancer when she was 40 years old...that was 16 years ago. I miss her as much today as I did the day she left this world. Like you, though, I have many wonderful memories of my friend and I just thank God that she was in my life for over 15 years. Love those pictures of you and Cindy in happier times:-) Sending you big hugs across the miles. xoxo


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