When I looked at the date this morning it dawned on me that today used to be an anniversary for me and then it morphed into another type of anniversary for me so I guess that really makes it two anniversaries for me.
It was twenty years ago today that I got married for the second time to a Navy guy that I had met through my cousin Becky (he was her husband's brother - something that I don't hold against her!) In retrospect there should have been warning flags flying all over the place but I had reached the point in time where I thought I was ready to share my life with someone else and also hoped that someone else would be a good dad to my son Michael whose own father had turned out to be less than stellar in the Parenting Department.
On what wasn't too bad of a day in August for New England (in other words both the temperature and humidity level were moderate) I rode down in a limo from my home in Canterbury to the Shepard By the Sea Chapel at the Submarine Base in Groton along with my bridesmaids and a stomach churning something awful. At one point along the ride, the limo driver jokingly asked if I'd like to go to New York or Boston instead and I seem to remember saying that "anywhere other than Groton" would be fine but I don't think he believed me as we arrived at the church on time.
I don't remember too much about the wedding ceremony other than my Dad telling me as we walked down the aisle that there was still time to change my mind and then feeling like I wanted to just sit down on the steps at the front of the church and be sick. Great wedding remembrances, huh? Yea .. not so much.
Unfortunately the rest of the marriage never really seemed to get much better than the wedding day itself which I think I always knew in the back of my mind was a major mistake. At the time I chalked it up to a case of the nerves and blah, blah, blah but since then I've learned to listen to my gut and that little voice that tells me when I'm about to do something really exceptionally stupid.
Ten years to the day later on August 17th, 2001 I finally put an end to the charade that was my marriage and told my husband that I wanted a divorce and there would be no going back this time. We had flitted around the possibility of a break-up before but he believed that God expected us to stay together forever regardless of how miserable we made each other and our children and I didn't have the guts to say otherwise for quite some time. Finally my level of misery had reached the point where it was impossible to ignore the fact that in addition to being horribly unhappy myself, I was making those around me the same way so I finally said that was it, the end, no more.
I have never once regretted that decision. I have sometimes wondered if it would have been better for the girls if I had sucked it up and continued to live with a man that I didn't love or respect but I'd like to think that I made the right choice. It hasn't always been the easy choice but I think it was the right choice.
So today marks a dual anniversary - the day I lost myself twenty years ago and the day I reclaimed myself ten years later. With no offense to my ex who isn't a horrible monster, I like the second anniversary better.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Monday, August 17, 2009
August 17th, 1991, August 17th, 2001, August 17th, 2009
Eighteen years ago today I walked down the aisle at the Sheperd of the Sea Chapel in Groton, Connecticut and said "I do" for the second time in my life to a Navy man. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do on many levels as I had been a single mom to my son Michael since he was about six months old when his father and my first husband decided that there were "too many single women in the world for him to be a husband and father". We were both in the Air Force at the time of that marriage which ended in 1981.
The main thing I remember about my second wedding was the fact that I truly felt sick to my stomach and even though I chalked it up to nerves at the time, I think it was actually the smarter part of me that I refused to acknowledge telling me that I was doing the wrong thing. However, as Forest Gump has said, "stupid is as stupid does" and I didn't sit down on the steps of the vestibule with my head in my hands and say "never mind" even though I should have. That would be that whole "hindsight 20/20" thing.
Eight years ago today, on my 10th wedding anniversary, I told my second husband that the marriage was over and that I just couldn't do it anymore. I was miserable, he was miserable, and I knew the girls were starting to be miserable, too. In spite of all the misery and the fact that the marriage was pretty much as dead in the water as you can get, my ex didn't want the divorce. He took a vow before God and he was by golly going to honor it whereas I figured that God really didn't want His children to be miserable no matter what sort of vow they took. I stuck to my guns and the marriage ended.
Since then, the ex has remarried but in a phone call the other day he asked me once again why I ended the marriage, was he that bad of a guy? As I have explained to him several times over, I don't think it was so much that he was a bad guy as that we just didn't have much in common, his beliefs and my beliefs didn't blend, and there was no sense in making everyone miserable by staying in a loveless marriage. I've always thought there was supposed to be more to it than that. And as I have said so many times before, I know I'm a hard person to live with so it wasn't him - it was me. Of course, why he's still asking me this eight years down the road when he's remarried is totally beyond me - I rather doubt his new wife would appreciate the line of questioning; I know I wouldn't if I were her.
Anyhow, so here it is eight years to the day since I ended my ten-year marriage that - for the most part - I seem to have blocked out of my mind as I can remember very little of it other than the feeling that I had a very large albatross around my neck that I had put there myself and I am still alone. No relationships with anyone since then and no glimpse of any on the horizon so sometimes I've got to wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy when I said that I thought I would be better off alone. I wonder if I really meant that? I wonder if I really thought that would be the case?
I've always believed that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person but sometimes that whole being alone thing isn't what it's cracked up to be either. At least not when I'm feeling unloveable and unloved like I am today when I am reminded of my failure in my last relationship. I wonder if August 17th will always make me feel that way??
The main thing I remember about my second wedding was the fact that I truly felt sick to my stomach and even though I chalked it up to nerves at the time, I think it was actually the smarter part of me that I refused to acknowledge telling me that I was doing the wrong thing. However, as Forest Gump has said, "stupid is as stupid does" and I didn't sit down on the steps of the vestibule with my head in my hands and say "never mind" even though I should have. That would be that whole "hindsight 20/20" thing.
Eight years ago today, on my 10th wedding anniversary, I told my second husband that the marriage was over and that I just couldn't do it anymore. I was miserable, he was miserable, and I knew the girls were starting to be miserable, too. In spite of all the misery and the fact that the marriage was pretty much as dead in the water as you can get, my ex didn't want the divorce. He took a vow before God and he was by golly going to honor it whereas I figured that God really didn't want His children to be miserable no matter what sort of vow they took. I stuck to my guns and the marriage ended.
Since then, the ex has remarried but in a phone call the other day he asked me once again why I ended the marriage, was he that bad of a guy? As I have explained to him several times over, I don't think it was so much that he was a bad guy as that we just didn't have much in common, his beliefs and my beliefs didn't blend, and there was no sense in making everyone miserable by staying in a loveless marriage. I've always thought there was supposed to be more to it than that. And as I have said so many times before, I know I'm a hard person to live with so it wasn't him - it was me. Of course, why he's still asking me this eight years down the road when he's remarried is totally beyond me - I rather doubt his new wife would appreciate the line of questioning; I know I wouldn't if I were her.
Anyhow, so here it is eight years to the day since I ended my ten-year marriage that - for the most part - I seem to have blocked out of my mind as I can remember very little of it other than the feeling that I had a very large albatross around my neck that I had put there myself and I am still alone. No relationships with anyone since then and no glimpse of any on the horizon so sometimes I've got to wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy when I said that I thought I would be better off alone. I wonder if I really meant that? I wonder if I really thought that would be the case?
I've always believed that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person but sometimes that whole being alone thing isn't what it's cracked up to be either. At least not when I'm feeling unloveable and unloved like I am today when I am reminded of my failure in my last relationship. I wonder if August 17th will always make me feel that way??
Saturday, October 14, 2006
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." ~ Mignon McLaughlin
Having been divorced twice, one might think that I would be rather cynical on the whole concept of marriage but that's not the case at all. I admire good marriages; I love good marriages; I am envious of good marriages; I wish I'd had a good marriage! As I have written before, my parents had one of the best marriages ever and it was great to grow up knowing that my parents loved each other more every single day in spite of life and all that it had to throw at them. If my Dad hadn't passed away in 2003, they would have celebrated their 50th anniversary this past June and I'm sure that they would have been more in love that day than they were the day they first took their vows. And who can't admire that, envy that, wish for that themselves?
That said, I want to wish a very happy anniversary to Andrew and Bethany who are celebrating their 11th wedding anniversary today. Though it's a long cry from the years my parents had together, it's a marriage that I think will last that long or - God willing - longer. Theirs is a marriage that I admire because it's a marriage where the two people involved not only love and respect each other but genuinely like each other, too!
Friedrich Nietzsche, a German-Swiss philosopher and writer, as well as one of the most influential of modern thinkers, said it best when he wrote: "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." Too many times we see marriages where the couples involved just don't seem to like each other anymore but they stay together for a myriad of reasons - finances, kids, religious vows, appearances, etc. - that have nothing to do with how they really feel about each other.
Sometimes I think it's easier to love someone than it is to like them and before you decide I'm crazy on that one, think about this ... it has been said many times over that love is deaf, dumb, and blind because when we are first falling in love with someone we want to believe the best about that person, we don't want to know their shortcomings or faults. When you live with someone day in and day out you have no choice but to look closer at that person whom you share your life with - faults and all - and that's where the true test of any marriage comes in. It's not enough just to say that you love someone - you also have to like them and respect them.
Perhaps that's the part that I'm really envious about ... couples like Andrew & Bethany, Cyndi & Jeff, George & Rhonda, my two brothers & their wives, my parents - all of the marriages that I know of that are solid ... they all possess the three main ingredients that were missing in my two marriages - love, respect, and friendship. Together those three form a very solid base but take one away and you're left with something that wobbles and, chances are good, will eventually fall.
By all means a successful marriage involves the two people joined together falling in love with each other over and over again but don't forget to be friends, too. That makes all the difference in the world - trust me, I know!
Addendum: After reading his comment posted here, I wanted to note that I attended the wedding of Bulldog and Melissa two years ago and it was by far one of THE BEST weddings that I have ever attended. Not because it was extravagant or lavish or anything like that but because it was a pleasure to watch two people who so obviously not only loved but liked each other exchange vows and start their lives together as "man and wife". I don't think there was a single person in attendance who had the cyncical thought of "let's see how long this one lasts" because we all KNEW that this was a marriage that was going to last. A belated happy anniversary to you, too, my friend, and I wish you and Melissa many, many more years of happiness and friendship and love!
That said, I want to wish a very happy anniversary to Andrew and Bethany who are celebrating their 11th wedding anniversary today. Though it's a long cry from the years my parents had together, it's a marriage that I think will last that long or - God willing - longer. Theirs is a marriage that I admire because it's a marriage where the two people involved not only love and respect each other but genuinely like each other, too!
Friedrich Nietzsche, a German-Swiss philosopher and writer, as well as one of the most influential of modern thinkers, said it best when he wrote: "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." Too many times we see marriages where the couples involved just don't seem to like each other anymore but they stay together for a myriad of reasons - finances, kids, religious vows, appearances, etc. - that have nothing to do with how they really feel about each other.
Sometimes I think it's easier to love someone than it is to like them and before you decide I'm crazy on that one, think about this ... it has been said many times over that love is deaf, dumb, and blind because when we are first falling in love with someone we want to believe the best about that person, we don't want to know their shortcomings or faults. When you live with someone day in and day out you have no choice but to look closer at that person whom you share your life with - faults and all - and that's where the true test of any marriage comes in. It's not enough just to say that you love someone - you also have to like them and respect them.
Perhaps that's the part that I'm really envious about ... couples like Andrew & Bethany, Cyndi & Jeff, George & Rhonda, my two brothers & their wives, my parents - all of the marriages that I know of that are solid ... they all possess the three main ingredients that were missing in my two marriages - love, respect, and friendship. Together those three form a very solid base but take one away and you're left with something that wobbles and, chances are good, will eventually fall.
By all means a successful marriage involves the two people joined together falling in love with each other over and over again but don't forget to be friends, too. That makes all the difference in the world - trust me, I know!
Addendum: After reading his comment posted here, I wanted to note that I attended the wedding of Bulldog and Melissa two years ago and it was by far one of THE BEST weddings that I have ever attended. Not because it was extravagant or lavish or anything like that but because it was a pleasure to watch two people who so obviously not only loved but liked each other exchange vows and start their lives together as "man and wife". I don't think there was a single person in attendance who had the cyncical thought of "let's see how long this one lasts" because we all KNEW that this was a marriage that was going to last. A belated happy anniversary to you, too, my friend, and I wish you and Melissa many, many more years of happiness and friendship and love!
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