August 17th, 1991, August 17th, 2001, August 17th, 2009

Eighteen years ago today I walked down the aisle at the Sheperd of the Sea Chapel in Groton, Connecticut and said "I do" for the second time in my life to a Navy man. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do on many levels as I had been a single mom to my son Michael since he was about six months old when his father and my first husband decided that there were "too many single women in the world for him to be a husband and father". We were both in the Air Force at the time of that marriage which ended in 1981.

The main thing I remember about my second wedding was the fact that I truly felt sick to my stomach and even though I chalked it up to nerves at the time, I think it was actually the smarter part of me that I refused to acknowledge telling me that I was doing the wrong thing. However, as Forest Gump has said, "stupid is as stupid does" and I didn't sit down on the steps of the vestibule with my head in my hands and say "never mind" even though I should have. That would be that whole "hindsight 20/20" thing.

Eight years ago today, on my 10th wedding anniversary, I told my second husband that the marriage was over and that I just couldn't do it anymore. I was miserable, he was miserable, and I knew the girls were starting to be miserable, too. In spite of all the misery and the fact that the marriage was pretty much as dead in the water as you can get, my ex didn't want the divorce. He took a vow before God and he was by golly going to honor it whereas I figured that God really didn't want His children to be miserable no matter what sort of vow they took. I stuck to my guns and the marriage ended.

Since then, the ex has remarried but in a phone call the other day he asked me once again why I ended the marriage, was he that bad of a guy? As I have explained to him several times over, I don't think it was so much that he was a bad guy as that we just didn't have much in common, his beliefs and my beliefs didn't blend, and there was no sense in making everyone miserable by staying in a loveless marriage. I've always thought there was supposed to be more to it than that. And as I have said so many times before, I know I'm a hard person to live with so it wasn't him - it was me. Of course, why he's still asking me this eight years down the road when he's remarried is totally beyond me - I rather doubt his new wife would appreciate the line of questioning; I know I wouldn't if I were her.

Anyhow, so here it is eight years to the day since I ended my ten-year marriage that - for the most part - I seem to have blocked out of my mind as I can remember very little of it other than the feeling that I had a very large albatross around my neck that I had put there myself and I am still alone. No relationships with anyone since then and no glimpse of any on the horizon so sometimes I've got to wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy when I said that I thought I would be better off alone. I wonder if I really meant that? I wonder if I really thought that would be the case?

I've always believed that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person but sometimes that whole being alone thing isn't what it's cracked up to be either. At least not when I'm feeling unloveable and unloved like I am today when I am reminded of my failure in my last relationship. I wonder if August 17th will always make me feel that way??

Pictures From My Past

One of the advantages of moving (other than the chance to clear out a lot of clutter) is the possibility of finding things that you thought you were long gone - or better yet - things that you had completely forgotten existed to begin with! Such was the case while clearing out a back room at my old house and coming across a couple of photo albums whose existence had long since been erased from my memory banks. Funny thing is, what with one of them being an album of pictures from my wedding in 1991, you would think that I would have remembered it!

How those albums came to be in an unused, blocked off portion of the house (a room off of the back mud-room that my former landlord had always promised to turn into a second bathroom/laundry room but never did) is beyond me. I thought that the albums had gone with my ex-husband when he moved out in 2001 or had just been tossed and I honestly hadn't given a thought to them in years and years so it was quite a surprise to find them.

After getting them back to the new place and looking through them a bit, I thought it might be fun to scan a few of the pictures and post them here to show you what I looked like almost 18 years ago when life seemed a lot simpler than it is now. Obviously, the years have not been good to me and it's rather dismaying to see how much I've changed over the years but I guess that's all part of the progression of time, isn't it? Honestly, though, I'm still trying to figure out where all those years went!

I'm afraid that the quality of these pictures is none too good being that they were sitting rather unprotected out in that back room (they all need to be taken out of their current album, cleaned up, and put in a new one) plus they lose a bit in the scanning process but hopefully they'll pass muster here. All of the wedding pictures were taken by Judy, my former roommate from California, who flew out for the occasion but whom I have lost touch with.

This first picture was taken on the morning of August 17th, 1991 at my grandmother's old house where Mike and I were living before I remarried. The mirror that I'm looking in was hers and I'm not sure if I was more worried about the necklace I was wearing or the butterflies that were gathering in my stomach but I guess you could say that I look rather contemplative. Or is that scared?

In this next shot I'm getting into the limo that had come to pick up myself and my bridesmaids to take us from my home in Canterbury to the church at the Naval Base in Groton. My ex-husband was a Navy man and we got married in the Chapel of the Sea (though it was nowhere near the sea!). Due to the massive amount of butterflies churning in my stomach that had increased exponentially since I was looking in the mirror, I told the limo driver to go to either New York or Boston instead of the chapel but he obviously thought I was joking and continued on to Groton! He had probably dealt with a lot of brides with a case of the nerves and I had a major case!

Once I got through the wedding service itself (I distinctly remember wondering if it would be really bad if I went and sat on the steps in front of the vestibule for awhile as I was starting to feel really sick at one point), I seemed to finally relax a little - as this next picture which was taken after the service shows ...

Of course, what you don't see here is the champagne glass that was next to me on the roof of the limo! I don't think, though, that it was the champagne that had caused me to finally relax - it was just knowing that the stress of the whole wedding was over. When I got married the first time, it was in the reception area of a dentist's office in New Jersey (the guy was a Justice of the Peace) so there was no pomp and circumstance or ceremony but the second time I got married, I wanted to do it right - hence the white dress, et al. The dentist's office was much easier!

In looking at these pictures now, the main thing I keep thinking is - "wow, my hair looked kind of nice!" I showed a few of them to one of my co-workers when she was over on Tuesday helping paint Amanda's room and she told me what a really nice smile I had (considering she said "had", I've got to take it that means I don't smile all that much now which is not a good thing).

Getting back to my hair, this last picture was taken in the White Mountains of New Hampshire while we were on our honeymoon. Feel free to tell me how very 90's my hair was as it's true but at least I had hair that wasn't flat and impossible to do anything with like it seems to have become 'lo these many years later! Just goes to show what ten years of marriage, giving birth to two more children, and going through a divorce will do to a person ... ah, if I only knew then what I know now ...

I hope you enjoyed this brief stroll down Memory Lane with me. Perhaps I'll get the chance to scan a few more pictures to share with you sometime in the future; I'm sure there is a lot more "undiscovered" stuff hiding in the boxes piled up around here - finding it can be one of the fun parts of moving!

Creative Photography Contest

With barely a day to spare as the contest list closes on Wednesday afternoon, I have finally come up with an entry for Roger's Creative Photography Contest #9!

With Amanda away in New Jersey at Darci's, you would think I'd have more time to spend on the computer but such is not the case as I have picked up some extra hours at work this week covering for people who are on vacation and the like so my time at home and on the computer has been somewhat limited. That didn't give me a lot of time to pick a photo for this week's contest but after some debate I decided on the following picture that I took this past Saturday night after spending a lovely afternoon/evening with Patti, Ralph, and their lovely daughter, the Lady A.

After parting company, I decided to head down to Eastern Point Beach which overlooks the Thames River where it meets the Long Island Sound in Groton, Connecticut. It was getting close to 9:30 at that point and I wanted to try my hand at some more night photography. This picture shows the light from the New London Harbor Lighthouse reflecting on the Thames River across to where I was standing on the rocks at Eastern Point. If you look closely you can even see some of the stars that had come out in the night sky. It was a beautiful night out and I think this picture reflects that.

I've really taken a liking to going out into the dark to see what my camera can capture but I guess if I'm going to be doing a lot more skulking around in the shadows, perhaps I should think about taking someone along with me - just in case. Even though I was a police dispatcher for years and know that there are some pretty undesirable people out there walking around, I tend to forget that sometimes and think of nothing of going out poking around by myself in the dark. Not too smart I suppose but I do enjoy the peace and quiet of just myself, my camera, and the night sky.

Anyway, all that aside, to see what other people entered into this week's Creative Photography contest, go by Roger's Creative Photography blog and check out the links - I'm sure you'll find some amazing pictures to ooh and aah over. I know I always do!

"I've looked at clouds from both sides now ..."

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone

So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow

It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel

As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow

It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Rainy Day Reflections

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As a 911 emergency medical dispatcher, my job is pretty varied and different most of the time as far as emergencies go - everything from difficulty breathing to chest pain to falls to not being able to get out of bed at all. Anytime 911 rings I have no idea what I'm going to hear when I answer it. I guess it makes my job interesting for the most part.

However, my job isn't just 911 emergency calls, as a commercial ambulance dispatcher a lot of my job involves what we call "routine transfers" also. These are the calls that are scheduled ahead of time and they can be trips from a skilled nursing facility to a doctor's office or hospital for an appointment, transfers from one hospital to another for a higher level of care, transfers to psych facilities and drug rehabs, transfers from a private home to a skilled nursing facility, trips to dialysis from either private homes or nursing homes, etc., etc. Prior to working at my current job I had no clue that there were so many people going to so many appointments that required either an ambulance or wheelchair van for transportation. It really was an eye-opener as to the state of people's health in this country.

It's actually rather sad that we have regular patients that we transport just about every single day to one appointment or another and most days as I look at the spreadsheet in front of me and see the same names that I saw the day before and the day before that and even the day before that, I can't help but hope that my life doesn't turn out the same way. Everyone always talks about how wonderful it is to reach retirement age and finally be able to enjoy life but there are a lot more people out there who aren't enjoying their retirement age than one might believe.

I'm sure that the people we transport regularly never thought their lives were going to end up that way either but it just goes to show that with life you just never know what turn it's going to take. Just some sobering thoughts for a rainy Saturday ...

Don't Just Stand There - Jump!!

Tomorrow is my birthday - my 49th birthday. I stand poised at the edge of the pool and wonder about diving into the last year I can claim to be in my 40's. Am I going to do this gracefully or am I going to belly-flop?

Up until recently I hadn't really given my age a whole lot of thought as I've always felt that age is more a state of mind and my mind sure doesn't grasp the concept of being 49 at all! My Mom said something the other day about how my father never acted his age in respect to realizing that he was older and there were certain things he just flat out couldn't or shouldn't be doing anymore but still he did them. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that my state of mind is genetic as Dad appeared to never give his age much thought either; apparently I inherited this from him right along with my Yankee stubbornness!

Not that I am not fully and oftentimes painfully aware that there are things I can't and shouldn't be doing anymore, however that awareness came several years ago in the form of a couple of herniated discs that continue to wreak havoc on my left leg when the weather turns. I don't believe it really had anything to do with my age as I had been flirting with back issues from the time Michael was barely two years old. Apparently it's another one of those genetic things as out of my three brothers, two have back issues also. Not sure whether to thank Mom or Dad for that one, though.

The only thing that bothers me about 49 is that I sometimes feel like I am facing the final frontier ... I have one year left before I turn a half a century old and I get the sneaky feeling that one last year is going to pass in the blink of an eye as they all have done since I turned 17. I've always thought of 50 as the age of maturity (even though Senior Discounts don't start until your 60's - damn the luck!) and I guess I'm just not so sure that I'm ready to enter the age of maturity yet. I'm not sure what my life expectancy is (not that any of us are ever sure of that) but I'm pretty confident that I have lived more than half of my life already and what on earth do I have to show for it? How can I possibly enter maturity when my life is still such a mess?

I cannot keep my financial ducks in a row at all, my potential for retirement at a decent age is slim to none, my pancreas is entertaining the idea of diabetes, my blood iron levels fluctuate much like the stock market, and I obviously suck in the personal relationship department. I lie awake at night sometimes and wonder/worry about these things along with a myriad of other smaller things such as did I remember to put the recycling out this week, how much milk do we have left, and is Grey's Anatomy really going to bite this year or will Shonda Rhimes manage to save it after last year's horrendous season finale?

What have I accomplished during my time on this earth and what else do I want to accomplish before I leave it? I guess there comes an age when we all sit back and ask ourselves those questions and it appears I have chosen this age to ask them. Why? I don't know, maybe it's that whole maturity thing again! Besides, it's probably better to ask yourself what else you want to accomplish while you still have the possibility of actually doing it. Better to ask myself when turning 49 rather than when I'm turning 79 - provided I am around that long! Of course, the way my memory is going here lately even if I'm still alive and kicking in another 30 years I'll sure as shootin' have forgotten what the question was!

So, during the next 365 days I will be giving thought to what I want to do with the rest of my life. What opportunities do I want to make for myself? What trips do I want to take? What places do I want to see? What skills do I want to learn? Where do I want to be in another ten years? I figure I've got a year to sort these things out before I really have to get serious about them and that seems reasonable to me.

In the meantime, I do know one thing I want to do in the next year and even though it sounds pretty impossible right at the moment it's one of those things I've always wanted to do and never got the chance ... I want to learn to play the drums ...

That should really drive Amanda crazy if I ever actually follow through on wanting to do this!